Crash

Last Tuesday, Katy and I were at the library with the kids, and when it was time to leave, Eliza begged me to drive home with Katy, Reuben, and Miriam. I tried to convince her to ride with me so that Katy wouldn't be stuck with three loud kiddos the whole drive home from Columbia. Katy told me it would be okay for her to drive with her, though, and Eliza was happy.

So on my way home, I was sitting, stopped at a red light when I heard a loud CRACK.

In a blur, I was aware that I had slammed my foot further down on the brake but felt my car get like thrown forward and crashed into the car in front of me. My head and neck, especially, h

ad been flung forward and as my car came to a stop, I was disoriented and the world was blurred. I tried to look around and was really confused until I realized that my glasses had been thrown off. I felt around until I found them on the ground.

(A big white truck that was hauling a bobcat on a trailer behind me had slammed into me-- I still don't know why, but he's been charged with a failure to yield...)

I looked around me and saw my belongings thrown askew and could feel myself shaking. Other people got out of their cars and someone asked me if I was okay. I kept telling people I was okay

but started crying for a bit, I think just from the shock of it.

I found my phone and with shaky fingers called the person that I always call when things like this happen. I called Dad. Told him I didn't know what to do, and he talked me through some things to do... and I was very grateful that I had someone to call at that time.

Because of my sharp neck pain and colossal headache, the EMT's put me in a neck brace and strapped me to a board on a stretcher and took me to urgent care. It was nice to be cared for, but the hard board and tight neck brace had me feeling confused about what was hurting me worse, the safety precautions or my actual pain. When I got to ER, my dad and mom were

waiting for me. No broken bones, and I was given pain meds and muscle relaxants and sent on

my way.

I guess my little Honda Civic is totaled, although things have been put on hold because of the holiday weekend (and that the driver who hit me not answering his phone or reporting the accident to his insurance yet. Yay for my Statefarm agent.)

On an upside, my insurance got me a rental car. I asked for something fuel efficient and the rental car employee gave me a Dodge Challenger:

I'm definitely not a muscle car person, but the car has been kind of fun. The fast acceleration is pleasant.

I've had a LOT of neck and back pain. My family helped me out a lot, especially with caring for Eliza, so I spent the night at Mom and Dad's the rest of the week. That ended up being neat, though, because I think I ended up getting to spend more time with my siblings who were all home for Christmas and my parents. It was funny to be back down in my basement again! HAh! It's been surprising to be very aware of all the different ways you bend and use your back muscles. I came back home last night, and I think I overdid it this morning with Eliza because my back has been cramping up and spasming some this afternoon.

Ironically, staying in one place can be the most painful thing. I've had trouble sleeping for any long period of time because I wake up in pain. Makes me have new empathy for those with back problems because what I usually do to stretch now make me cramp up and trying to pick up a 35 lb four year old leaves me an out of breath mess.

Enough whining, though.

Bottom line, I am so immensely grateful that by some serendipity, Eliza was not driving with me when this accident happened.

Now to fight with the insurance company. :(

Take a "Non-violence Self Inventory"

I listened to a very interesting speaker at the Unitarian Universalist church I've been going to lately. He spoke about "Advent- yours and non-violence" about how we as individuals could implement more peace in our lives.

He began by referencing Gandhi's Seven Deadly Sins, which I found very thought provoking and inspiring:

1. Wealth without Work
2. Pleasure without Conscience
3. Science without Humanity
4. Knowledge without Character
5. Politics without Principle
6. Commerce without Morality
7. Worship without Sacrifice

Then he handed out a "Non-violence Self Inventory" that I found very interesting and gave me a chance to do a little introspection with, especially as it relates to my moral beliefs about violence. Clearly it has some subjective content, but without saying who he is, readers should know that he has spent his career as a professor that studies pacifism/sociology/social justice, activism.

So without further ado....I thought I'd share the inventory here on my blog!

See where you are with reference to the following questions:

1. Have you ever been the recipient of physical violence?

2. Have you ever initiated an act of violence which caused real injury?

3. Have you ever witnessed an act of violence which caused real injury?

4. Do you drive a larger car than you really need?

5. Have you recently indulged in road rage? What triggered it?

6. Have you driven over the speed limit in the last two weeks?

7. Do you advocate (and have practiced) spanking of children?

8. What's your position on abortion?

9. Have you, in the last two weeks, yelled in anger at anyone? Who?

10. Have you ever taken the risk of driving when you've had too much to drink?

11. How's your diet? A. I am an unabashed carnivore B. I'm a carnivore, but I try to eat less red meat than I used to. C. No red meat, but chicken and seafood are OK. D. No chikcen or red meat, but seafood's OK. E. Vegetarian. F. Vegan. G. I only eat what otherwise would be thrown out. H. I beg for food. I. Other

12. Do you believe in capital punishment? If so, for what crimes, and by what methods?

13. Are you a pacifist?

14. Did you think that the United States and Britain were right in launching an attack on Iraq? Have the results supported your convictions?

15. Do you give to any charities which are specifically targeted against violence? Which ones?

16. Do you advocate a complete nuclear test ban?

17. Do you advocate the cessation of all production of nuclear weaponry?

18. Do you believe that all existing nuclear weapons should be destroyed?

19. Do you have more clothes in your closet than most of your peers?

20. Do you own a gun? For what purpose? Are you a hunter?

21. Do you keep your temperature (when you can regulate it) lower than 75 in the summer or higher than 65 in the winter?

22. Do you consistently recycle?

23. Have you ever participated in an active protest against some form of violence? What activity?

24. Have you ever written a letter of concern about something related to non-violence? What was the issue? To whom did you write?

25. Do you think that the war in Vietnam was a "just war?"

26. Do you think that Gandhi and/or King were impractical idealists?

27. Have you told a lie to anyone in the last two weeks?

28. Have you ever tried to break up a fight, or witnessed one and didn't act?

29. Do you think that sexual offenders, once released, should be identified to the community in any way? Similarly, with other offenders?

30. Have you received unwelcome attention by anyone in the last few weeks?

31. Have you given unwelcome attention to anyone in the last few weeks?

32. Do you smoke?

33. Do you support the principle of euthanasia?

What other questions would you add to this list? Which items don't belong on it?

He spoke about how he felt that "adventing non-violence" would be most effectively accomplished in people's lives if they consistently involved themselves in inter-faith activities (harmonious discussions among different faiths on how to contribute to their community and the needy) and participating in service learning activity and charitable giving.

I greatly enjoyed the questions he posed, and the over-all tone of his words and content. Yummy philosophizing to savor!

May I Never Fail a Friend...

May I never fail a friend.

May I respect myself.

May I always keep tame that which rages within me.

May I accustom myself to be gentle and never be angry with others because of circumstances.

Singing the Living Tradition #521

Poor Eliza has been very sick!

We made a tent to help pass the inside-sick-day time!

She had a cold for about a week, just an upper respiratory thing with no fever, but I kept her home from school last Monday just to try to help her keep her reserve up, and I was recovering from Thrush (yeah, didn't know adults got that too!).

Then last Friday, after playing at the park, she took my hand and told me that she wasn't feeling well and was ready to go home, which seemed unusual but I thought maybe she was just tired. When we got home, I turned on a show for her, and she lay there under a blanket with her head on her penguin pillow, not moving for easily a half hour!! Very un-eliza-like! I kept checking on her to see if she was really awake. She was, though.

That night about a half hour after she fell asleep, I heard her crying loudly and went into her room to find her holding one of her ears and moaning, "It hurts! It hurts! Ow!" It was soo sad to hear her and see her like that. I gave her some tylenol, and she woke up one more time just crying and moaning about how much she hurt. It was terrible!

Then next morning Eliza was able to go into the clinic and see the most amazing nurse

practitioner in the world, her Oma! Turned out that Eliza had one mean looking ear infection in her left ear AND thrush!! The sores had been hiding UNDER her tongue, and they look sooo terrible!

On Saturday afternoon, in an attempt to convince her to take some medicine, I turned off the TV and took away the IPAD and said she could watch another show once she took her medicine. She went up to her room. After a few minutes, I didn't hear anything so I went upstairs and she had climbed into her bed and fallen asleep! This is NOT Eliza!!! Never has she just put herself down for a nap (or to bed). She did the same thing on Sunday too, only on the couch. So I know she is really feeling sick!

I feel so terrible because I know she caught the thrush from me! With my thrush I couldn't eat for days and my gums swoll up so painfully, and it felt like pins and needles were stabbing into my gums constantly! I couldn't even eat muffins or croissants without hurting! And very cold liquids felt like stabbing pains too. So now Eliza starts sobbing any time she puts anything in her mouth besides water. It's so sad. She's barely eaten anything at all the past two days!!! Her fever and earache have subsided for the most part at least!

She's headed over to her dad's house tomorrow because I can't miss any more work, but my heart is breaking for her! What's worse is that it is a huge battle just getting her to even take any of her medicine! Unfortunately it hasn't worked to just sit down and explain to her rationally that if she wants to get better and stop hurting, she needs to take some yucky tasting medicine that hurts to put in her mouth. Apparently it worked better when Steve told her she could jump on him if the medicine tasted bad. I guess she was too busy sobbing to actually take him up on the offer after she took the medicine, though, so Steve lucked out there! I've been trying regular old bribery and removal of privileges. Boring me!

It's especially bad luck, though, that this sickness hit on Halloween weekend. She missed out on several parties due to being so ill. She was devastated to find out that she missed the annual Pine Island Halloween Carnival on Friday, so Steve and I went ahead and had her get dressed up tonight and took her trick or treating so she wouldn't totally miss out on the halloween experience that she's been so looking forward to for months! She had us carry her the whole time, and she could barely manage to say "Trick or Treat" around her swollen mouth! So sad. You can tell from the picture that she was DEFINITELY not feeling like herself!

But still a beautiful Rapunzel princess!

Here's hoping she feels better very soon! Keep her in your prayers, please!

In Love Made Visible

by May Swenson

In love are we made visible

As in a magic bath

are unpeeled

to the sharp pit

so long concealed

With love's alertness

we recognize

the soundless whimper

of the soul

behind the eyes

A shaft opens

and the timid thing

at least leaps to surface

with full-spread wing

The fingertips of love discover

more than the body's smoothness

They uncover a hidden conduit

for the tranfusion

of empathies that circumvent

the mind's intrusion

In love we are set free

Objective bone

and flesh no longer insulate us

to ourselves alone

We are released

and flow into each other's cup

Our two frail vials pierced

drink each other up

Venerating

My dear childhood friend, Amber, passed away three years ago this week. I finally made it over to her grave this evening and brought some flowers with me that were given to me by a friend... (it felt right to pass on the love, especially since I've been exploring the philosophy of love not being a commodity but having an infinite capacity, so the flowers got to take a concrete shape for the fluidity of loving emotion).

I had Eliza with me. In times past when I've gone to visit Amber's grave, I've made sure Eliza was elsewhere. I didn't want to freak her out by trying to explain what a graveyard was or mostly by exposing her to her mother breaking down in sobs. However, this year she seemed duly intelligent enough and I felt emotionally equipped enough to avoid the freak-age.

Tonight, I explained to her that the cemetery was a special, sacred place where people remember their loved ones. (I had previously explained to her about my dear friend who had died) She asked to carry the flowers, and I let her. She asked me to tell her the names on the other graves, and I read some of them to her. She seemed interested and able to comprehend the importance of that place, even though at first she thought that this was where the people died at. Oops.

But Eliza aptly described the experience as we were walking between the graves, "Mom, this is percent 100 sad." I read a name out to Eliza and she told me it was the name of one of her friends at school, but reminded me of her best friend's name. I shared with her that Amber had been my best friend since I was little, and that we had been in classes together at school and played together, and then I got choked up and stopped talking.

Eliza helped place the flowers into the vase on Amber's grave, and I sniffled while I told Eliza that she reminded me of Amber in some ways-- how silly she was and how much she loved to sing and what a beautiful voice Amber had and how she loved to perform for people!

So you won't be surprised that at this point in my blog post, I choose to venerate my friend by indulging in a couple of Amber vignettes.

Silly Songs

Amber had been taking voice lessons and invited me to her recital. Her dad drove me, and we

sat in a dimly lit church gym on metal chairs with the rest of the singers' families-- reluctant siblings, doting parents with camcorders, and snoozing off grandparents. The musical selections were unoriginal but cute. When it was Amber's turn, I could not believe that there could have been a song selection that was more perfectly fit for Amber. Amber, my adorable, somewhat prurient, boy crazy friend was given the role as Annie from the musical "Oklahoma." For those of you who aren't sufficiently schooled in your musical trivia, Annie is a girl who sings, "I'm just a girl who cain't say no!" and ends up getting kissed at the end of the song. I was a bashful 14 year old at the time and definitely blushed at the end of the song but couldn't help but beam at my best friend's performance. It was the role of a lifetime for her! I still find myself smiling thinking about it.

Amber introduced me to Celine Dion. Now, I probably could have been perfectly happy in my life without ever encountering Celine Dion. But the Titanic movie came to theaters when Amber and I were about 13, and Amber was in love! She was in love with Leonardo DiCaprio, the drama, the costumes, and especially the music. She found ways to act out the "Jack, I'm flying" scene (where Kate Winslet shows off her arm spreading skills at the edge of the boat) more than I would have thought humanly possible. But whenever I went over to Amber's house that year, we would turn the volume up on her teeny boom box as high as we could, and she would belt out along with Celine's vocals until her mother would come tell her to turn it down or her brother would bang on the wall and yell for her to shut up.

I was an overly serious adolescent and teen, and Amber always helped me loosen up. We would spend hours down in my classy basement room that I had decked out with a red tinted light bulbs and Christmas lights all year long. We would sing and dance our hearts out to Hanson's, "Mmm Bop!" and draw in magic marker all over my plywood desktop, discussing how many kids we would have someday, how Amber planned to become an actress, and how to get our hands on more clothes from The Limited II. And then dance and sing some more to Hansen. Glamorous.

Years later, I had just gotten my license, and Amber and I had stayed out past curfew to see The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood. Our blood was pumped full of angsty teenage adrenaline from breaking rules, so we rolled the windows in my little '93 Toyota Tercel and turned the music up as loud as we could as we sped across the Lake Murray Dam. In her carefree and passionate way, Amber somehow convinced me that the best thing we could do at that time was to take our shirts off to re-enact a scene from the movie and yell, "Ya-yaaaa!" out the windows. She went for it, but I being the prudish-good-little mormon girl that I was, found it to be daring enough just to take off my t-shirt and just wear my white tank top to join her in the "Ya-ya!" cry of independence and autonomy. We both got grounded. Totally worth it.

There were darker times for both Amber and myself, but we lived through them together, pulled each other through. Amber's life ended on a dark note. I think I mourn the most for her when happy, exultant surprises or occasions arise in my life because I think about how she should still be alive enjoying those moments as well, especially since she was SO so good at acutely experiencing life, being in love, singing her heart out.

Sometimes I think that because of her passion, maybe she had already sucked all the marrow out of life, and that made her ready to move on. Some people could live 90+ years and not experience anywhere near the emotional magnitude that Amber experienced in her 23 years on this earth....

On my way to the cemetery tonight, I played the song that I remember last blasting through my car stereo and singing on the top of my lungs to WITH AMBER. Originally, Amber thought that the song was called "Ambers and Envelopes" and we laughed when we found out the true name was "Embers and Envelopes." The song was surprisingly apropos and is what convinced me to go ahead and write some of my feelings out here...

"Embers and Envelopes" by Mae

We write to apologize

We ask to look past life as it goes by

I know you have sacrificed Time, life, love- time to fly

Please consider all things trite

Forgiveness will be the thing that gets us by

I know to have something like this broken is hard to fix

Embers- we're burning bridges down

Envelopes- stuffed with feelings found

We write things down as means to reconcile

We write to patch things up

Maybe not to agree but to proclaim love

Let's look ahead and then

We'll see the One whose glory never ends

And based on that we'll see

There will be room for change but gradually

I know to have something like this broken is hard to fix

If all is said and done and over

If we don't have to We're not going to

Make the change it's worth a try

What's broken can be fixed tonight

As Eliza and I walked back to the car, I picked her up and gave her a big hug, and she squeezed me back tight. She told me that when she looked up at the sky it made her think about Heavenly Father and all the people that have died. We talked about families being forever. Surely a merciful god would allow me to someday see my dear friend again... surely this just, compassionate God would have a plan that would make it so Amber is no longer suffering right now but finally feeling peace, finally feeling ENOUGH love.

I miss you, Amber Alice.

A Mother of Four Has Died...

I work with a lot of amazing mother's in my job at The Nurturing Center (http://thenurturingcenter.org/), but one in particular is truly in need of our prayers and support right now. She has been a single mother of four boys (ages 6, 5, 3, & 2) and has weathered a LOT of heartache in her life, especially in losing her own mother as a young adult.

However, last Friday morning, her only real family, her younger sister, passed away. Sharon Lynetta Gleaton was also a single mother of four children fought the pain and sickness of cancer for longer than the doctors thought she could and led a life filled with a lot of pain and struggle.

My client is now caring for her own four children plus three of her sister's children. If there is ANYTHING you can give or donate, their family would truly appreciate it. They are in need of twin beds and bedding, diapers sizes 4-6, food, kids clothing, and especially monetary donations to pay for Sharon Lynetta Gleaton's funeral expenses. As you know, the funeral expenses, embalming, caskets, etc., are extremely expensive. If you have any small bit to give, this family would be so grateful for your help.

You can make a check directly to

McCollom-Myers Mortuary

5003 Rhett St.

Columbia, SC 29204 Tel: 803.735.1205

http://www.mccollom-myers.com/Obituaries.html

or to

Lakersha Gleaton

or to me, Amy Meldau, 1332 Pickens Street, Columbia, SC 29201.

Also, if you have any items that you would be willing to donate, you can drop them off at my work, The Nurturing Center 1332 Pickens Street, Columbia, SC 29201, or I would be more than willing to pick them up from you!

Witnessing my client grieve for the loss of her sister while trying to be brave and strong for these children has humbled me and made my heart hurt! This family's situation has been one that's certainly made me reflect at how small my day to day irritations and worries are in the grand scheme of things...

Thank you in advance for your compassion and generosity towards this family that is struggling and grieving for this great loss.