Poor Eliza has been very sick!

We made a tent to help pass the inside-sick-day time!

She had a cold for about a week, just an upper respiratory thing with no fever, but I kept her home from school last Monday just to try to help her keep her reserve up, and I was recovering from Thrush (yeah, didn't know adults got that too!).

Then last Friday, after playing at the park, she took my hand and told me that she wasn't feeling well and was ready to go home, which seemed unusual but I thought maybe she was just tired. When we got home, I turned on a show for her, and she lay there under a blanket with her head on her penguin pillow, not moving for easily a half hour!! Very un-eliza-like! I kept checking on her to see if she was really awake. She was, though.

That night about a half hour after she fell asleep, I heard her crying loudly and went into her room to find her holding one of her ears and moaning, "It hurts! It hurts! Ow!" It was soo sad to hear her and see her like that. I gave her some tylenol, and she woke up one more time just crying and moaning about how much she hurt. It was terrible!

Then next morning Eliza was able to go into the clinic and see the most amazing nurse

practitioner in the world, her Oma! Turned out that Eliza had one mean looking ear infection in her left ear AND thrush!! The sores had been hiding UNDER her tongue, and they look sooo terrible!

On Saturday afternoon, in an attempt to convince her to take some medicine, I turned off the TV and took away the IPAD and said she could watch another show once she took her medicine. She went up to her room. After a few minutes, I didn't hear anything so I went upstairs and she had climbed into her bed and fallen asleep! This is NOT Eliza!!! Never has she just put herself down for a nap (or to bed). She did the same thing on Sunday too, only on the couch. So I know she is really feeling sick!

I feel so terrible because I know she caught the thrush from me! With my thrush I couldn't eat for days and my gums swoll up so painfully, and it felt like pins and needles were stabbing into my gums constantly! I couldn't even eat muffins or croissants without hurting! And very cold liquids felt like stabbing pains too. So now Eliza starts sobbing any time she puts anything in her mouth besides water. It's so sad. She's barely eaten anything at all the past two days!!! Her fever and earache have subsided for the most part at least!

She's headed over to her dad's house tomorrow because I can't miss any more work, but my heart is breaking for her! What's worse is that it is a huge battle just getting her to even take any of her medicine! Unfortunately it hasn't worked to just sit down and explain to her rationally that if she wants to get better and stop hurting, she needs to take some yucky tasting medicine that hurts to put in her mouth. Apparently it worked better when Steve told her she could jump on him if the medicine tasted bad. I guess she was too busy sobbing to actually take him up on the offer after she took the medicine, though, so Steve lucked out there! I've been trying regular old bribery and removal of privileges. Boring me!

It's especially bad luck, though, that this sickness hit on Halloween weekend. She missed out on several parties due to being so ill. She was devastated to find out that she missed the annual Pine Island Halloween Carnival on Friday, so Steve and I went ahead and had her get dressed up tonight and took her trick or treating so she wouldn't totally miss out on the halloween experience that she's been so looking forward to for months! She had us carry her the whole time, and she could barely manage to say "Trick or Treat" around her swollen mouth! So sad. You can tell from the picture that she was DEFINITELY not feeling like herself!

But still a beautiful Rapunzel princess!

Here's hoping she feels better very soon! Keep her in your prayers, please!

In Love Made Visible

by May Swenson

In love are we made visible

As in a magic bath

are unpeeled

to the sharp pit

so long concealed

With love's alertness

we recognize

the soundless whimper

of the soul

behind the eyes

A shaft opens

and the timid thing

at least leaps to surface

with full-spread wing

The fingertips of love discover

more than the body's smoothness

They uncover a hidden conduit

for the tranfusion

of empathies that circumvent

the mind's intrusion

In love we are set free

Objective bone

and flesh no longer insulate us

to ourselves alone

We are released

and flow into each other's cup

Our two frail vials pierced

drink each other up

Venerating

My dear childhood friend, Amber, passed away three years ago this week. I finally made it over to her grave this evening and brought some flowers with me that were given to me by a friend... (it felt right to pass on the love, especially since I've been exploring the philosophy of love not being a commodity but having an infinite capacity, so the flowers got to take a concrete shape for the fluidity of loving emotion).

I had Eliza with me. In times past when I've gone to visit Amber's grave, I've made sure Eliza was elsewhere. I didn't want to freak her out by trying to explain what a graveyard was or mostly by exposing her to her mother breaking down in sobs. However, this year she seemed duly intelligent enough and I felt emotionally equipped enough to avoid the freak-age.

Tonight, I explained to her that the cemetery was a special, sacred place where people remember their loved ones. (I had previously explained to her about my dear friend who had died) She asked to carry the flowers, and I let her. She asked me to tell her the names on the other graves, and I read some of them to her. She seemed interested and able to comprehend the importance of that place, even though at first she thought that this was where the people died at. Oops.

But Eliza aptly described the experience as we were walking between the graves, "Mom, this is percent 100 sad." I read a name out to Eliza and she told me it was the name of one of her friends at school, but reminded me of her best friend's name. I shared with her that Amber had been my best friend since I was little, and that we had been in classes together at school and played together, and then I got choked up and stopped talking.

Eliza helped place the flowers into the vase on Amber's grave, and I sniffled while I told Eliza that she reminded me of Amber in some ways-- how silly she was and how much she loved to sing and what a beautiful voice Amber had and how she loved to perform for people!

So you won't be surprised that at this point in my blog post, I choose to venerate my friend by indulging in a couple of Amber vignettes.

Silly Songs

Amber had been taking voice lessons and invited me to her recital. Her dad drove me, and we

sat in a dimly lit church gym on metal chairs with the rest of the singers' families-- reluctant siblings, doting parents with camcorders, and snoozing off grandparents. The musical selections were unoriginal but cute. When it was Amber's turn, I could not believe that there could have been a song selection that was more perfectly fit for Amber. Amber, my adorable, somewhat prurient, boy crazy friend was given the role as Annie from the musical "Oklahoma." For those of you who aren't sufficiently schooled in your musical trivia, Annie is a girl who sings, "I'm just a girl who cain't say no!" and ends up getting kissed at the end of the song. I was a bashful 14 year old at the time and definitely blushed at the end of the song but couldn't help but beam at my best friend's performance. It was the role of a lifetime for her! I still find myself smiling thinking about it.

Amber introduced me to Celine Dion. Now, I probably could have been perfectly happy in my life without ever encountering Celine Dion. But the Titanic movie came to theaters when Amber and I were about 13, and Amber was in love! She was in love with Leonardo DiCaprio, the drama, the costumes, and especially the music. She found ways to act out the "Jack, I'm flying" scene (where Kate Winslet shows off her arm spreading skills at the edge of the boat) more than I would have thought humanly possible. But whenever I went over to Amber's house that year, we would turn the volume up on her teeny boom box as high as we could, and she would belt out along with Celine's vocals until her mother would come tell her to turn it down or her brother would bang on the wall and yell for her to shut up.

I was an overly serious adolescent and teen, and Amber always helped me loosen up. We would spend hours down in my classy basement room that I had decked out with a red tinted light bulbs and Christmas lights all year long. We would sing and dance our hearts out to Hanson's, "Mmm Bop!" and draw in magic marker all over my plywood desktop, discussing how many kids we would have someday, how Amber planned to become an actress, and how to get our hands on more clothes from The Limited II. And then dance and sing some more to Hansen. Glamorous.

Years later, I had just gotten my license, and Amber and I had stayed out past curfew to see The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood. Our blood was pumped full of angsty teenage adrenaline from breaking rules, so we rolled the windows in my little '93 Toyota Tercel and turned the music up as loud as we could as we sped across the Lake Murray Dam. In her carefree and passionate way, Amber somehow convinced me that the best thing we could do at that time was to take our shirts off to re-enact a scene from the movie and yell, "Ya-yaaaa!" out the windows. She went for it, but I being the prudish-good-little mormon girl that I was, found it to be daring enough just to take off my t-shirt and just wear my white tank top to join her in the "Ya-ya!" cry of independence and autonomy. We both got grounded. Totally worth it.

There were darker times for both Amber and myself, but we lived through them together, pulled each other through. Amber's life ended on a dark note. I think I mourn the most for her when happy, exultant surprises or occasions arise in my life because I think about how she should still be alive enjoying those moments as well, especially since she was SO so good at acutely experiencing life, being in love, singing her heart out.

Sometimes I think that because of her passion, maybe she had already sucked all the marrow out of life, and that made her ready to move on. Some people could live 90+ years and not experience anywhere near the emotional magnitude that Amber experienced in her 23 years on this earth....

On my way to the cemetery tonight, I played the song that I remember last blasting through my car stereo and singing on the top of my lungs to WITH AMBER. Originally, Amber thought that the song was called "Ambers and Envelopes" and we laughed when we found out the true name was "Embers and Envelopes." The song was surprisingly apropos and is what convinced me to go ahead and write some of my feelings out here...

"Embers and Envelopes" by Mae

We write to apologize

We ask to look past life as it goes by

I know you have sacrificed Time, life, love- time to fly

Please consider all things trite

Forgiveness will be the thing that gets us by

I know to have something like this broken is hard to fix

Embers- we're burning bridges down

Envelopes- stuffed with feelings found

We write things down as means to reconcile

We write to patch things up

Maybe not to agree but to proclaim love

Let's look ahead and then

We'll see the One whose glory never ends

And based on that we'll see

There will be room for change but gradually

I know to have something like this broken is hard to fix

If all is said and done and over

If we don't have to We're not going to

Make the change it's worth a try

What's broken can be fixed tonight

As Eliza and I walked back to the car, I picked her up and gave her a big hug, and she squeezed me back tight. She told me that when she looked up at the sky it made her think about Heavenly Father and all the people that have died. We talked about families being forever. Surely a merciful god would allow me to someday see my dear friend again... surely this just, compassionate God would have a plan that would make it so Amber is no longer suffering right now but finally feeling peace, finally feeling ENOUGH love.

I miss you, Amber Alice.