I had two home visits to do today at work.
At one of them the little 18 month old girl hid in the kitchen and would only peek around the corner at me occasionally. I've interacted with her every week for months now, but she looked so scared. As I looked down at a pamphlet her mom had given me, the little girl snuck out from the kitchen and climbed into her mother's lap where she held a little Elmo book that I had brought for her. Her face was expressionless. No one at The Nurturing Center has ever heard this little girl speak before. There's a lot of violence that goes on in her home... so I think she's spent a lot of her little life peeking out from the kitchen corner...
The mom asked indirectly if we had any milk at The Nurturing Center, which we don't during break. When I told her we didn't, she said, "Oh..." and got quiet. Then she said that they didn't have any milk to give her daughter and didn't have any food in the house and her WIC wouldn't come on again until the next week. So I'd like to thank all of you who gave me money for Christmas because today I spent it all on groceries for this family.
At the other home visit I did was to a family who lives in one of the housing projects in Columbia. The little two year old boy was hilarious. And when she let him out of the Pak'n'Play, play pen after I came in, he was boppin' around the place and bringing me different things like cough medicine that he found on the ground, the tv remote which his mom yelled at him about, and some shredded paper he had gotten his hands on. His mom is quite the talker and very animated as she speaks. So at one point while she was talking to me about her job search and goals, he climbed onto the couch between us and starting babbling in the same tone as his mom and adamantly motioning his arms in JUST the same way as his mom did. The mom didn't seem to notice, but I was trying REALLY hard to not crack up and pay attention to what she was saying and also because I was worried that his mom might get mad at him. Sooo funny, though.
In the mean time, Eliza spent the day with her Oma! When I pulled up in the driveway, Eliza came running out to my car barefoot and beaming and shouted, "Mom! I'm sooo glad you came home!"
I love her SO much. I'm going to spend all day with her tomorrow. Someday maybe I'll catch up with work? I hope!!!
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Not mine to keep...
Eliza's finally sleeping in her own bed.
I stared over her for probably a good five minutes, just watching the blankets that covered her up to her chin rise and fall with her breath.
I am so glad she's back, and the thought came to me, "and I'll never let him take her from me again."
But that's not true. I'll continue to let him take her every week for a few days and on several vacations every year as well... and my heart will break every time.
It's gotten easier since last year-- in the way that it gets easier to keep tearing your skin on the soles of your feet from pounding them on the pavement over and over. Then you grow callouses. It starts to take a moment longer before you realize that something sharp just poked you. My heart has that calloused scar tissue around it... it makes it easier... because now it is harder to feel the pain, but harder to feel the joy and happiness as well. But what else can I do?
I'll just keep loving her as much as possible when she is mine to keep-- to bathe, to dress, to hug, kiss and snuggle, laugh and giggle with, tickle and teach-- and I'll just hope that my callouses don't prevent me from giving her all that she needs from me.
Part of me hopes that she'll wake up tonight and come climb into my bed with me like she does sometimes. I ache to feel her arms around me.
She was already asleep when he finally brought her over tonight -12:30am! So all I got to do was whisper to her that it was okay to lie down and sleep while wrestling a pull-up onto her before I tucked her into bed.
... so I'll leave my door cracked open.
I stared over her for probably a good five minutes, just watching the blankets that covered her up to her chin rise and fall with her breath.
I am so glad she's back, and the thought came to me, "and I'll never let him take her from me again."
But that's not true. I'll continue to let him take her every week for a few days and on several vacations every year as well... and my heart will break every time.
It's gotten easier since last year-- in the way that it gets easier to keep tearing your skin on the soles of your feet from pounding them on the pavement over and over. Then you grow callouses. It starts to take a moment longer before you realize that something sharp just poked you. My heart has that calloused scar tissue around it... it makes it easier... because now it is harder to feel the pain, but harder to feel the joy and happiness as well. But what else can I do?
I'll just keep loving her as much as possible when she is mine to keep-- to bathe, to dress, to hug, kiss and snuggle, laugh and giggle with, tickle and teach-- and I'll just hope that my callouses don't prevent me from giving her all that she needs from me.
Part of me hopes that she'll wake up tonight and come climb into my bed with me like she does sometimes. I ache to feel her arms around me.
She was already asleep when he finally brought her over tonight -12:30am! So all I got to do was whisper to her that it was okay to lie down and sleep while wrestling a pull-up onto her before I tucked her into bed.
... so I'll leave my door cracked open.
Friday, December 24, 2010
Merry Pre-Christmas
Eliza is spending this week in Utah with her Dad-- he has her through the 26th. It's been very upsetting for me to not have my daughter with me on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Unfortunately, he also booked a flight that makes it so Eliza won't get back to me until around 8pm Sunday night which is 2 hours past the court ordered custody agreement. I've been pretty peeved about that. I was allowed to have Eliza for Christmas last year, but I allowed her dad to pick her up Christmas evening... to be nice and believing that it was best for Eliza to get to share Christmas with both parents. Unfortunately, the favor was not returned. So Bah-humbug and let's get on to the good stuff!!!
We tried to add in as much Christmas festivity before Eliza left.
Gingerbread House Construction / Consumption!
I let Eliza open her "big" present before she left for Utah.
She was pretty ecstatic:
I got a deal on Black Friday for this Disney Princess Collection of like 7 barbies or something (I've fully entered the dark side of Princesses apparently!).
And If I do say so myself, Eliza looked pretty stinkin' adorable in her Sunday Christmas dress, bow, and her new hair cut (we took off like 2 inches!).
We shared in the fun and gave out the presents that Eliza and I had chosen for Katy, Reuben, and Eliza since they will probably be gone before Eliza gets back.
Merry Pre-Christmas!Thursday, December 23, 2010
Christmas Cousins
Dancing to The Nutcracker:
Cooking with Oma:
Apparently Miriam likes to sleep on people:
Friday, November 26, 2010
The Tonight Show with Eliza Mae
Oh how I love to peek into Eliza's room and see this scene! Especially because it zaps any of the energy I have left by 7pm to actually get her to this point.Bedtime has allowed me to truly relate to the phrase, "It's like pulling teeth."
And now I'm too tired to write about it.
One of the hard parts of being trained as a therapist or social worker is that as I raise my child trying to discipline her in the "healthiest" way possible, I also have in the back of my mind, "What parts of these memories will come back to her as trauma when she's 19 years old talking to her therapist about how her parents ruined her life."
Like tonight when she screamed and cried for about an hour. It all started when she yelled from the back of the car, "Give me my toy NOW, Mom!"
Long story short, I wouldn't give her the McDonald's toy without a "Please." And although she hadn't stopped tantruming from the toy issue, I still made her take a bath and get ready for bed. The whole while she screamed, "But I'm HUNGRY! Mama! I'm STARVING! My stomach doesn't have ANY food in it!" (her stomach had chicken nuggets and apples slices in it)
So basically, I can just imagine tonight being one of Eliza's first uncovered memories as she does some Rational Emotive Therapy where she is trying to uncover the roots of her eating disorder... "I remember a night where my mother was pouring water on me while I was standing in the bath yelling and sobbing to her that I was starving, and she told me too bad, you had your chance to eat earlier, and then poured another bucket of water over me."
Fortunately, story time finally got her calmed down and relaxed in bed and asleep by 8pm. ::deep sigh of relief::
On a similar bedtime note, I think that if someone ever witnessed or recorded me reading bedtime stories to Eliza it would be INSANE because some nights I start falling asleep while I read. But even though I'm falling asleep I keep trying to read. AND I start dreaming! So I start adding in words from my dream. For example, as I was reading a story to Eliza about clams, I remember waking up to myself saying the words Japanese, fulfillment, and alcoholic. A few other times, I "woke" up to Eliza shouting at me, "I can't understand you!" even though I thought I was still reading the books to her, I guess I was mumbling unintelligibly. So sleepy...
I love you, Eliza!
Thanksgiving Day, Oh Mr. Turkey Fat and Gray: Gobble Gobble Gobble Gobble Gobble*
It ended like this:
Also she has this thing about wanting to wear less and less clothing as the day goes by. Usually I pick her up from school and at least ONE thing is missing- tights, socks, hair bow. Always a surprise! Yay for an independent 3 year old!
Anyways, Thanksgiving was pretty chill here. I rearranged my room! Seems silly now that I look back to find a NEW project to start just because I'm not going to work, but there's something nice about refurbishing your environment!
Mom, Dad, Abby, and Uncle Don started off Thanksgiving day with a bang- the Turkey Trot. Running early in the Morn!
I did not join them. I stayed in my warm comfy bed!
We all signed up for different cooking assignments so that the task of Thanksgiving dinner or The FEAST as Eliza called it, didn't all fall on one person.
I did cranberry sauce. I did a regular version and a version where I added in citrus juice, fresh diced pears, and crystallized ginger. It was scrumptious! I also made sweet potatoes and a chocolate truffle pie. I was going to make the fresh collards that I inherited from work but we ran out of time. Who knew making collards took well over an hour?? We didn't! We're going to try to make them on Sunday.
But we had plenty of food otherwise!
Abby did fresh green beans, homemade bread, and apple pie. She's become quite the baker!!!
Mom made squash casserole, 2 types of stuffing (don't ask me what type, I don't do stuffing), the turkey with Dad, and over saw the over-all production!
Dad also did the mashed potatoes and did multiple runs to the grocery store for us!
Oma made a delish greek salad and homemade salad dressing- Yummy!
Uncle Don did the corn**
We also had our good family friend, Ron,(not Dad) join us for dinner too. He brought a cheerful tone to the dinner!
Dad made a toast and clinked our sparkling red grape juice filled glasses per tradition. Then Mom claimed that we had a tradition of going around the table and each naming a thing we were grateful for from the consecutive letters of the alphabet. Some of us did not recall EVER doing this tradition before, but it was fun and brought some creativity! Somehow I ended up with the letter Q and X...
Eliza barely ate any of the dinner. I think she might have taken one bite of turkey and otherwise only had homemade bread. She loves Abby's bread! Someday I hope she'll eat more than chicken nuggets, pizza, and Nutella sandwiches....
I peer pressured Mom and Abby into playing Princess Jr. Monopoly with Eliza and me after dinner. You get to buy castles! Mom shook her head disapprovingly when she got the Chance card to purchase Prince Charming. He was on sale for only $4! Not a bad bargain!
Friday night was my favorite--- GAME NIGHT! We each picked a game- Guesstures, Disney Scene It, Taboo, Apples to Apples, Things, and Wii Resport! No matter what we played, I'm pretty sure I won every time. Yeah, that sounds about right! :D
Happy Gobble Day!
*Header comes from a Thanxgiving Joy School Song that we've ALL had stuck in our heads this last week!
**Corn story is a good one that you can ask someone else about.
So you know it had to be a good Thanksgiving! Eliza brought the party with her!
Also she has this thing about wanting to wear less and less clothing as the day goes by. Usually I pick her up from school and at least ONE thing is missing- tights, socks, hair bow. Always a surprise! Yay for an independent 3 year old!
Anyways, Thanksgiving was pretty chill here. I rearranged my room! Seems silly now that I look back to find a NEW project to start just because I'm not going to work, but there's something nice about refurbishing your environment!
Mom, Dad, Abby, and Uncle Don started off Thanksgiving day with a bang- the Turkey Trot. Running early in the Morn!
I did not join them. I stayed in my warm comfy bed!We all signed up for different cooking assignments so that the task of Thanksgiving dinner or The FEAST as Eliza called it, didn't all fall on one person.
I did cranberry sauce. I did a regular version and a version where I added in citrus juice, fresh diced pears, and crystallized ginger. It was scrumptious! I also made sweet potatoes and a chocolate truffle pie. I was going to make the fresh collards that I inherited from work but we ran out of time. Who knew making collards took well over an hour?? We didn't! We're going to try to make them on Sunday.
But we had plenty of food otherwise!
Abby did fresh green beans, homemade bread, and apple pie. She's become quite the baker!!!
Mom made squash casserole, 2 types of stuffing (don't ask me what type, I don't do stuffing), the turkey with Dad, and over saw the over-all production!
Dad also did the mashed potatoes and did multiple runs to the grocery store for us!
Oma made a delish greek salad and homemade salad dressing- Yummy!
Uncle Don did the corn**
We also had our good family friend, Ron,(not Dad) join us for dinner too. He brought a cheerful tone to the dinner!
Dad made a toast and clinked our sparkling red grape juice filled glasses per tradition. Then Mom claimed that we had a tradition of going around the table and each naming a thing we were grateful for from the consecutive letters of the alphabet. Some of us did not recall EVER doing this tradition before, but it was fun and brought some creativity! Somehow I ended up with the letter Q and X...
Eliza barely ate any of the dinner. I think she might have taken one bite of turkey and otherwise only had homemade bread. She loves Abby's bread! Someday I hope she'll eat more than chicken nuggets, pizza, and Nutella sandwiches....
I peer pressured Mom and Abby into playing Princess Jr. Monopoly with Eliza and me after dinner. You get to buy castles! Mom shook her head disapprovingly when she got the Chance card to purchase Prince Charming. He was on sale for only $4! Not a bad bargain!
Friday night was my favorite--- GAME NIGHT! We each picked a game- Guesstures, Disney Scene It, Taboo, Apples to Apples, Things, and Wii Resport! No matter what we played, I'm pretty sure I won every time. Yeah, that sounds about right! :D
Happy Gobble Day!
*Header comes from a Thanxgiving Joy School Song that we've ALL had stuck in our heads this last week!
**Corn story is a good one that you can ask someone else about.
Meet the little black dog named Zara
My daughter does weird stuff... and so I take pictures of it!
And below is a picture that she took of her dear friend:
Poor Zara looks justifiably scared....Zara is a very sweet dog.
Eliza is a very sweet girl.
Zara will follow Eliza around as long as Eliza gives her any attention (positive or negative).
Eliza loves to PLAY with Zara.
Zara loves when Eliza opens the screen doors and loves to slip outside before anyone can try to stop here.
Eliza hates when Zara does that.
Zara loves to attack Eliza's stuffed animals and ball-shaped toys and drags them out the doggy door. So does Orah (the big white poodle).
Eliza hates that.
Zara loves to eat off of Eliza's plate.
Eliza hates when Zara does that or even sniffs near her plate while she's eating her food at the table, UNLESS Eliza decides she wants to share it with Zara, then she tries to give Zara her left-overs after every meal, every day, no matter what the food was-- broccoli, pears, chocolate = fail. Meat, breads, cheese = LOVE.
Zara loves when Eliza comes home. Especially when Eliza's been gone for a couple days at her Dad's house.
Eliza loves to run around CRAZY and have Zara "chase" after her all crazy. It's HILARIOUS to watch... until someone gets hurt or loses an eye.
Zara loves walks with Eliza, but not as much when Eliza's the one holding her leash...
Eliza loves to bully Zara... and then Eliza hates going on time-out.
Eliza is a very sweet girl.
Zara will follow Eliza around as long as Eliza gives her any attention (positive or negative).
Eliza loves to PLAY with Zara.
Zara loves when Eliza opens the screen doors and loves to slip outside before anyone can try to stop here.
Eliza hates when Zara does that.
Zara loves to attack Eliza's stuffed animals and ball-shaped toys and drags them out the doggy door. So does Orah (the big white poodle).
Eliza hates that.
Zara loves to eat off of Eliza's plate.
Eliza hates when Zara does that or even sniffs near her plate while she's eating her food at the table, UNLESS Eliza decides she wants to share it with Zara, then she tries to give Zara her left-overs after every meal, every day, no matter what the food was-- broccoli, pears, chocolate = fail. Meat, breads, cheese = LOVE.
Zara loves when Eliza comes home. Especially when Eliza's been gone for a couple days at her Dad's house.
Eliza loves to run around CRAZY and have Zara "chase" after her all crazy. It's HILARIOUS to watch... until someone gets hurt or loses an eye.
Zara loves walks with Eliza, but not as much when Eliza's the one holding her leash...
Eliza loves to bully Zara... and then Eliza hates going on time-out.
It's a Love/Hate relationship...
... and I'd say it's the closest thing Eliza has to a younger sibling!
... and I'd say it's the closest thing Eliza has to a younger sibling!
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Thank ya kindly for...
- Burts Bees Lip Balm
- Eliza
- Sweet potatoes
- Cranberry sauce
- Skype
- FAMILY
- Dora pajamas
- Lavendar "stress relief" body wash
- My old clunker of a car
- Mood stabilizers
- the Wii
- Netflix Watch Now
- Time to reorganize all of Eliza and my clothes
- This home I live in and have been welcomed into undeservingly.
- My Finnegan Kitty
- Chocolate
- Employment
- My calling as a Young Women's Laurel Teacher
- Sweaters & Hoodies- LOVE EM!
- Teva's
- That it was in the 70's today
- The beautiful colored leaves that surround our house
- My morning walks with Eliza before school
- Silly poodles
- The kitchen timer.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Saga II: Thanksgiving Eve
Work was a blur today.
It was scheduled as just a half-day for services so the buses were taking people home at noon instead of 2pm.
I had planned on working a full day and thought that everyone else had planned that as well. However, by the time 1pm rolled around, only 3 of my co-workers remained in the building. Wow.
I still had to deliver Thanksgiving meals to two families so after unsuccessfully trying to get a hold of some DSS caseworkers and finding out that all the caseworkers were already on Thanksgiving break, I delivered meals in some ghetto areas of Columbia.
I saw a couple prostitutes on one corner off North Main St., and two guys getting arrested just two blocks away as well. The public housing that I made a delivery in actually looked pretty nice, though, compared to some of the other public housing I've done home visits at lately.
One of my clients gave me a $72 handbag today. She said she saw it and thought of me. Not sure what to do about that... I'm more of a Timbuk2 shoulder bag kinda gal. Not sure if I could pull off wearing a black, less-than-appropriately-gifted Nine West bag that I'm pretty sure was bought with drug money.
I went home after the deliveries and took a 3 hour nap. It was glorious.
Abby had watched Eliza in the morning because neither of them had school, and then Eliza's dad picked up Eliza after he got off work around 1pm. I get her back tomorrow around 3pm for Thanksgiving dinner!! Yay!
After my nap, I discovered that my Uncle Don had arrived for his Thanksgiving visit. I baked some sweet potatoes and mashed them up, cooked two batches of cranberry sauce, washed dishes, and baked a pie crust for the chocolate truffle pie I'm making. The kitchen already smells wonderful.
Question: Why do we use stupid clothes and make the task of laundrying the clothes never ending?
Answer: Because we all should wear daily disposable, biodegradable opaque plastics and stop this clothing charade. Yeah... Capitalists probably love the clothing industry.
So it's 2am, and I'm awake blogging. I don't think this bodes well for me waking up early to join Dad, Abby, and Mom on a Turkey Trot Race tomorrow morning. We'll see...
It's slumber time.
It was scheduled as just a half-day for services so the buses were taking people home at noon instead of 2pm.
I had planned on working a full day and thought that everyone else had planned that as well. However, by the time 1pm rolled around, only 3 of my co-workers remained in the building. Wow.
I still had to deliver Thanksgiving meals to two families so after unsuccessfully trying to get a hold of some DSS caseworkers and finding out that all the caseworkers were already on Thanksgiving break, I delivered meals in some ghetto areas of Columbia.
I saw a couple prostitutes on one corner off North Main St., and two guys getting arrested just two blocks away as well. The public housing that I made a delivery in actually looked pretty nice, though, compared to some of the other public housing I've done home visits at lately.
One of my clients gave me a $72 handbag today. She said she saw it and thought of me. Not sure what to do about that... I'm more of a Timbuk2 shoulder bag kinda gal. Not sure if I could pull off wearing a black, less-than-appropriately-gifted Nine West bag that I'm pretty sure was bought with drug money.
I went home after the deliveries and took a 3 hour nap. It was glorious.
Abby had watched Eliza in the morning because neither of them had school, and then Eliza's dad picked up Eliza after he got off work around 1pm. I get her back tomorrow around 3pm for Thanksgiving dinner!! Yay!
After my nap, I discovered that my Uncle Don had arrived for his Thanksgiving visit. I baked some sweet potatoes and mashed them up, cooked two batches of cranberry sauce, washed dishes, and baked a pie crust for the chocolate truffle pie I'm making. The kitchen already smells wonderful.
Question: Why do we use stupid clothes and make the task of laundrying the clothes never ending?
Answer: Because we all should wear daily disposable, biodegradable opaque plastics and stop this clothing charade. Yeah... Capitalists probably love the clothing industry.
So it's 2am, and I'm awake blogging. I don't think this bodes well for me waking up early to join Dad, Abby, and Mom on a Turkey Trot Race tomorrow morning. We'll see...
It's slumber time.
Before the Pearly Gates
My favorite band of all time, Radiohead, has a song on their latest album called Videotape.
It starts out saying, "When I'm at the pearly gates This'll be on my videotape..."
I love this song and love the concept of considering what of my life might be on MY "videotape" when my time on this planet is all done with.
I would like to use this squeaky clean new blog to share preview clips of what will surely be included in my life's videotape.
And since my life is SO interesting and I'm such a fascinating specimen, I'm sure everyone has just been dying to get a daily update about how it all goes down-- ESPECIALLY since my life is so intricately entwined with the fabulous Eliza Mae.
So I'll just go ahead and say... You're welcome.
It starts out saying, "When I'm at the pearly gates This'll be on my videotape..."
I love this song and love the concept of considering what of my life might be on MY "videotape" when my time on this planet is all done with.
I would like to use this squeaky clean new blog to share preview clips of what will surely be included in my life's videotape.
And since my life is SO interesting and I'm such a fascinating specimen, I'm sure everyone has just been dying to get a daily update about how it all goes down-- ESPECIALLY since my life is so intricately entwined with the fabulous Eliza Mae.
So I'll just go ahead and say... You're welcome.
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